Don't You Just Hate It When Voldemort
by Mirandoo
Summary: Don't you just hate it when Voldemort tries to sell you double glazing? No? Well, I know two people who do! Ah! The musings of two people closer than brothers... twins! x x
1. Unfortunate Umbridge

"Don't you just hate it when Voldemort tries to sell you double glazing?"

"What!?" George asked through stifled chuckles.

"Voldemort… don't you hate it when he tries to sell you double glazing?" Fred repeated, grinning at his brother happily.

"Have you finally gone barking?"

"Why yes," said Fred, "I do believe I have."

"Excellent," said George, "You've been heading that way for years. Good to see you've finally come out of the closet."

"Don't you just hate it when Voldemort comes out of the closet?"

"For Merlin's sake Fred!" said George, "What is all this about."

"Just trying to brighten the situation," said Fred, "Make light of our most unfortunate position."

"Our unfortunate position being this room?" said George, gazing around the pink office in which the twins were sitting. George had to admit that it was one of the least pleasant places he had ever been. Including Percy's office at the Ministry. When there was Dragon Dung in the in-tray, which was, in his opinion, a stroke of genius.

"Affirmative," replied Fred, beaming at his twin.

"I do," said George.

"You do what?"

"Hate it when Voldemort tries to sell me double glazing," George replied, "It really is awfully rude of him to do that. Its almost insulting-"

"-he should take one look at our house and realise we'd never be able to afford it," said Fred, "We can barely afford the ordinary windows."

They sat in silence for a few more moments, staring at the tiny woman sitting in the desk opposite their chairs. Her pursed lips were opening and closing slowly like a guppy fish, as though about to comment on the twin's most unusual remarks, but then thinking better of it. She chose a particularly large pink sugar lump, and popped it into her china teacup, creating a satisfactory plop. She then picked up a hideously dainty teaspoon, incrusted with cats, and begun to stir her tea slowly at deliberatively. He piggy eyes were upon the two red heads.

"Don't you just hate it when Voldemort uses your shower gel without asking?" said George in a drawling, drawn out tone.

"There we go!" said Fred excitedly, "Now you're getting into the spirit of it."

"Well, if can't beat them. Join them," said George.

"And we all know that you could never beat me," said Fred.

"Really? Because I was under the impression that I beat you in a duel in third year."

"In third year-"

"In third year," confirmed George, "And we haven't duelled since, because you're scared you'll loose."

"Am not," said Fred, "You're only worried that I'll prove your theory to be incorrect. You could _never_ beat me in a duel."

"Wanna bet?"

"No, not really," said Fred matter-of-factly, "Don't you remember last time we made a bet and-"

"-ended up resorting to black-mail?" George finished, "Yes I vaguely recall said occurrence. That didn't happen to be the same year that-"

"-we went to the World Cup, entered the Tri-Wizard Tournament, Harry won the tournament, Cedric died, Voldemort returned-"

"-all in all, a pretty standard year, right?" George added, making a covert glance in the direction of the toad like woman behind the pink desk. Her teacup was now half full- or as she would probably say, half empty. They were surprised that she hadn't yet commented on their claim that Voldemort had returned from the dead, perhaps she though they were beyond hope. He somehow didn't think she was the sort of woman to give up on hopeless cases.

"Right," said Fred, "Now about Voldemort returning from the dead-"

"-heh-hem," a squeaky cough interrupted their ridiculous exchange.

"Oh," said George, "Sorry Professor, I didn't think you wanted to input into our conversation-"

"Of course," Fred continued, "We wouldn't expect you to, seeing as this is you office and all."

"I merely want to point out, _boys_," she said in a belittling manner, "That you are here to serve a detention."

"Oh, we know," said George, standing up and beginning to pace the circular room.

"We though it was okay to talk in detention," said Fred, also standing to join his brother.

"Only if it wasn't," said George, continuing to pace, "We would expect you to put a sticking charm on our mouths-"

"Because that's what we thought you did with your problems," Fred finished, pacing to the other side of her desk, "Lock them up and pretend they don't exist."

"Now really," said their tiny, pink Professor, "I must insist that you boys behave yourselves. I wouldn't want to put you in another detention now, _would I_?"

"I'm sure you would actually," said Fred.

"I would have thought it was on the top of things you would want to do," said George.

"Actually, Forge," said Fred, "Second on the list-"

"Right you are Gred, _second_ on the list after pretending that Voldemort is still dead-"

"Make that third, Forge," said Fred, "You're forgetting sucking up to the minister… oh, and mouthing off half-breeds-"

"Ah, thank you again, Gred," said George, beaming at his brother across the desk at his brother, "I don't know where I'd be without you."

"Not very far," said Fred, "Stuck your entire life being 'and George'."

"Better that 'Fred and'," said George. The foul woman sat down once more behind her desk and removed a lilac biscuit tin from the drawer. She removed the lid carefully and placed it aside, before choosing an exceptionally pink biscuit, and pushing it uninvitingly into her wrinkled lips. Fred and George grimaced simultaneously.

"May I interest either of you in a biscuit?" she asked in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"Why yes you may," said Fred.

"Or not," said George, "Only I have reason to believe that said biscuits may contain a certain potion by the name of-"

"-Veritaserum!" Fred said suddenly.

Their Professor tittered uneasily, "Why! Whatever has come over the two of you? How dare you suggest that-"

"Quite easily actually," said George.

"Pardon?" she said sweetly.

"We can dare to suggest that quite easily," said Fred, "You're just the sort to trick unwitting victims into spilling their secrets-"

"-but we're smarter than you are see," said George, "We've been wandering the room for a while now-"

"-and yet you haven't protested," said Fred.

"-all because you're far too interested in what we have too say," said George.

"-too interested, infact, to notice that we had reclaimed our wands," said Fred.

"-at the same time as removing yours from your possession," said George, as Umbridge gazed wide eyed at the twins, as George twirled her stubby wand in his long-fingered hand.

"Why! I never- how dare you- I… detention!" Umbridge stammered.

"Only that won't work, will it?" said George.

"You should have learnt by now, _Delores_, that two seventeen year olds are infact _far_ more intelligent than a toad faced old woman," said Fred.

"_Stupefy_!" said together, pointing their three wands at Professor Umbridge before she could so much as blink.

"Good evening to you Delores," said George.

"We would say we'll visit again soon," said Fred, "But I think we both know that would be a lie."

"We're not so different, you and we," said George, "And we both know what we like, and what we do not."

"And we," said Fred, "do not like to spend more than the necessary amount of time with you."

And with that, they turned to leave, wands in hands. George cast Umbridge's unusually short wand aside onto a pink pillow lying on her lilac sofa.

"Don't you just hate it when Voldemort comes to sit a detention, but ends up stealing your wand and stunning you with it?" said Fred.

"I do," said George, as he closed the pink door to their Defence Professor's office, "I really do."

* * *

**This random idea came into my head after a conversation me and my friend had today!! I may do several others, using different characters... tell me what you think of the 'Voldemort' jokes.... if they're not funny, idk, i find them HILARIOUS!!!**

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	2. Maddened Molly

"You-did-WHAT!" she screamed higher than either of the boys had heard her before. The time they tried to push Ginny from the top most window of the Burrow- he voice had been much quieter then, more a disappointed whisper. How about the time they changed the Christmas Turkey for a bald gnome- no, it was _dad_ who had been angry them, _she_ was just despairing. Or the time they had decided to leave school and start a joke-shop- no wait, _this_ _was_ her reaction to that.

"We left school," Fred repeated, grinning widely at his scarlet mother.

"We felt education wasn't quite the right path for us at this particular moment in time-," said George.

"-we aren't wholly suited to scholarly professions," said Fred.

"We feel that our talents lie elsewhere," said George.

"_Talents_!" she screeched, "_Talents_! Inventing _rubbish_ to make people laugh isn't a _talent_! It's a waste of your good brains, boys- a waste of time. Time that could be spent _working_!"

"That's what we _will_ be doing," said Fred, "Working."

"We've bought a place in Diagon Alley-" George began.

"And _where_ did you get the money to do that!" she barked, "Stolen it, I presume? Hoodwinked it from some poor old lady!"

"Mum, you only expect the worst of us," said Fred.

"But we're better than you think," said George.

"A _generous_ benefactor," Fred gave a covert glance to his twin at these words, "Donated a substantial amount of superfluous gold to our squandering accounts-"

"Who!" said their mother furiously, "Who in their right minds would give gold to _you two_!"

"You know him rather well," said George matter-of-factly.

"Please tell me it was not your father," she said, her head falling into her hands as she collapsed into a kitchen chair.

"No," said Fred, "It most certainly _was not_ dad."

"It was about the furthest possible person from dad it could be," said George.

"Who was it then?"

"Voldemort." said Fred.

"_WHAT!_" their mother screamed at them.

"You heard him," said George, hiding his smirk well, "Voldemort gave us the gold to start up our joke-shop… because well-"

"We've joined the Death Eaters," said Fred suddenly, silently hoping his twin would play along with it.

"_You've what!_"

"That's right mum," said George, "We are now the faithful servants of the Dark Lord Voldemort."

"Really?" she asked sceptically, "Then where are your dark marks?" she ripped up their bright purple sleeves, which clashed nicely with their hair, in unison. She then gasped louder (and more violently) than the twins could have expected, because lying there, inked in jet black, were two dark marks as identical as the twins were to each other.

"What have you done?" she said disbelievingly, it seemed that she believed them, "Joining Voldemort-"

"-he prefers the dark lord, mum," said Fred.

"-is not something to take lightly-- _how could you do this_?" she hissed, "_To me_? _To your father_? DISCRACING OUR FAMILY LIKE THIS-"

"Calm down mum," said George, "You're starting to sound like Mrs. Black."

This seemed to shut their hysterical mother up a little bit, "-you haven't really done it- _have you_?" her final words were barely more than a whisper.

"Nah, we haven't," said Fred, grinning happily at his mother.

"What?" she asked, looking stunned.

"We haven't joined forces with the great lord Moldy-Wart," said George, "We just wanted to try out our-"

"-new trick product," said Fred, "Fake Dark-Marks. Reckon they'll fly off the shelves with reactions like that. What d'you think Georgie?"

"I think they're bloody brilliant," said George, "but I'm bound to say that- I'm the brains behind the operation."

"Are you really?" said Fred, "Well… there was me thinking it was all my idea."

"Ah, well, that's why you need me Freddie," said George, "You often need to stand corrected.

"I appears I do."

There was silence in the kitchen for a moment, and all they could hear was the sound of the many-handed clock ticking by, and a particularly irate gnome mumbling dark swear words outside the window. One of the best things Fred and George ever did, teaching those gnomes to swear.

"But what about your N.E.W.T's?" she asked abruptly, seeming to have forgotten their Death Eater scam momentarily.

"Mum, do you really expect us to do well in our N.E.W.T's?" said Fred.

"We've done about as much work this year as Voldemort does charity work-" said George.

"So absolutely _loads_ in other words," Fred added sarcastically.

"And that Umbridge is about as much use as-"

"Dragon Dung in your in-tray," said Fred, grinning at his twin. Their mother did not seem to have noticed their subtle mention of their older brother, Percy, who had disowned his family in order to work for the ministry.

"Where will you live?" she asked sternly, "Who'll do your washing? Neither of you can cook!"

"We have a flat above the shop-" said Fred.

"And a muggle washing machine-" said George.

"And we can use magic to make food," said Fred.

"Or better yet eat out every night," said George. Their mother still did not look convinced by the idea, it looked as though she was in half a mind to send them back to school for the rest of the year. The twins could see the internal struggle on her face.

"We'll buy you a new Gilderoy Lockhart book," George said in a singsong voice.

"When do you open?" their mother said suddenly, smiling broadly at the two of them.

"Next week," said Fred.

"Oh my boys!" their mother began to cry, and enveloped both of them in a large hug, "Venturing out on you own. Starting a business… oh you're so enterprising! I must tell you father."

She headed over to the fireplace and collected some Floo powder from the little flower pot on the mantle piece. She disappeared into green flames within moments, with a final call of 'goodbye!'.

"If only every woman was that easy," said George, "Buy her a gift, and she'll love you forever."

"Ah, so naïve, Georgie," said Fred, "Every girl _is_ that easy."

"How would _you_ know?" said George, "You've had about as many girlfriends as I've had 'O's!"

"Hey," said Fred, "The ladies don't go for the gingers!"

"You're telling me."

* * *

**i know it's not as funny as the other one... but still, it was fun to write!  
**

**haha- suggestions of who to do next PLEASE!**

**I NEED HELP WITH IDEAS!**

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	3. Suspended Snape

"Don't you just hate it when Voldemort accuses you of racism?"

"What?" said George, "Oh, please Fred. Not this again, I thought you'd-"

"-well, you thought wrong didn't you?" said Fred, grinning at George, "Anyway- look who it is!"

He pointed to a place some 10 meters from where they were sitting, to a very unhappy looking man with long greasy black hair. His face was buried deep in a book. George and Fred wandered over to where he was sitting, and slammed their hands down on the table. He looked up.

"_What_!" he shrieked, "Oh- its you two. What do you want?"

"Just to say hi," said Fred.

"Hi," said George, "And anyway, what gives you the right to ask what we want when-"

"You're sitting on our chair-" said Fred.

"-in our kitchen-"

"-in our house-"

"-on our land-"

"-in our village-"

"-when you're house-"

"-in _Spinner's End_-"

"-is about 100 miles-"

"-that way," Fred finished, as he and his brother pointed out of their back door.

"What are you, a two headed monster?" he said grumpily.

"No," said George in a cheerful voice, "_Actually_ we're one egg-"

"Which split in two-" said Fred.

"-to create two babies-"

"-who look the same-"

"-because we're the same person-"

"-but there's two of us!" Fred finished.

"How unfortunate for the rest of us," the man said, "Now get back to your toys-"

"Toys?" said Fred, "You think _these_ are toys?"

"Yes-I-do," he said through gritted teeth.

"Well, you _obviously_ haven't had a long hard look at our merchandise, Professor," said George.

"Lucky me," he said, grinning dangerously at the twins, before burying his head in his book once more.

"Sooooo, Snapey," said Fred, "I can call you Snapey right-?"

"Since you're no longer our teacher," said George, "What a shame that is Severus."

"You may no longer be my students," Snape said curtly, "But I am your elder, and I deserve your respect."

"You'll get out respect when you earn it, Sev," said Fred.

Snape turned white as a sheet and said in a horrified whisper, "What did you just call me?"

"Sev," said George, "Of course we can call Sevvy if you like-"

"Or Sneverus," said Fred, "Or Snaperus-"

"Or Snivellus-"

"ENOUGH!" Snape roared, "_Enough_. I will not have you taunting me any more!"

"When have we ever taunted you before-?"

"ENOUGH!" Snape repeated, storming through the back door and into the garden. There was silence in the kitchen for moment. The clock began to tick loudly.

"Shall we follow him?" said George.

"Of course," said Fred enthusiastically. They got up and followed the greasy professor into the garden. He was standing next to a pot of their mother's finest lilies, staring longingly at them. He was surrounded by gnomes, who were gnawing at his shins, but he seemed not to notice. The twins snuck up behind him-

"Snape, Snape-" said Fred in a singsong voice.

"Severus Snape!" said George.

"Snape, Snape-"

"Severus Snape!"

"Fred and George!" said Fred, as George continued to chorus of 'Snape, Snape, Severus Snape', "Fred and George!"

"Do you ever shut up!" Snape shouted angrily.

"We do," said George.

"But only when there's no fun left to be had," said Fred.

"And lets face it, Snivs," said George.

"There's _always_ fun to have when you're around!"

"Remind me again why I'm in the Order?" said Snape wearily.

"So as to defeat the evil lord who calls himself-"

"Voldemort-" said George, "Which, if my French skills deceive me not, means-"

"Fly from death, little bro," said Fred.

"Exactamundo, Frederico!" said George. Snape turned back to his lilies.

"Why do you like those so much?" said Fred.

"Mum loves them-"

"-but they make Ronikins sneeze-"

"-so we have to keep them outside," said George, kicking a gnome away from his ankle. When it returned, George levitated it several feet into the air, and dropped it onto the top of Snape's head. The gnome did not seem to appreciate this, and nor did Snape-

"You insolent little-" he screamed, but he never finished his sentence, as Fred pointed his wand into the air, and Snape was hoisted into the air by the ankle. He squirmed like a small child, gnome still firmly attached to his head.

"Nice one Fred," said George, "Isn't that from-"

"-the potions book?" said Fred, "Yeah, it is-"

"-it's a shame we had to give that book up," said George, "Could have helped me get an extra 'O' or two-"

"George, the only way you could get an extra 'O' would be if Mum gasped and the wind changed," said Fred. Neither twin seemed to care all that much about the fact that their previous potions master was still dangling in the air, his bat like robs round his ears, showing his pasty legs and grey pants.

"Serious Snapey-Snape," said Fred.

"Buy some new pants!"

* * *

**A bit shorter than the last ones but still... this is dedicated to NatureSauvage- who gave me the Snape idea!**

**Thank you!**

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	4. Procrastinating Prongs

"Don't you just hate it when Voldemort steals your Quidditch contract?"

"What was that Padfoot?"

"Don't you just hate it when Voldemort-"

"Yes, I got that, Padfoot," James replied, grinning, "But I was simply wondering what in the name of Merlin's saggy left testicle you were on about."

"Thought I'd lighten the mood a little," said Sirius, "But if you find my entertainment less than pleasing, I can take it elsewhere."

"That would be much appreciated, thank you Padfoot," said James.

"I was joking," said Sirius, "I'm planning to stay here until you get up off your fat arse and stop bloody procrastinating!"

"I am not procrastinating!" said James, before standing up and examining his arse, "And my arse is NOT fat."

Sirius sniggered.

"What was that!" James shouted.

"I was just laughing at your extreme denial, my dear Prongs, because, you see, you have the largest derriere I've ever seen in my life."

"I DO NOT!" said James, looking positively livid with his friend.

"Really?" said Sirius, "Ask Moony."

"Moony is my arse fat?" James whined to his friend, who was lounging on his bed reading a book entitled _The Werewolf Effect_.

"Fattest arse I've ever seen in my life," said Remus boredly, without even looking up from his book.

James sank down onto the bed, "Maybe that's why Lily hates me," he said glumly.

"Or maybe its because you're a _teensie_ bit big-headed, Prongs?" said Remus, "Just throwing that out there… you know, casually."

James stuck his tongue out at Remus, before standing up and going to examine himself in the mirror, "My arse is not fat." he pouted.

"Far from it Prongs," said Sirius, "Your arse is so unbelievably stunning I can hardly keep my eyes off it!"

"Really?"

"NO!"

"Git."

"Bugger."

"Arse-wipe."

"Slag-fest."

"_Slytherin."_

"_Whoa!" said Sirius dramatically, "You go too far."_

"_Slytherin, Slytherin, Slytherin-" James danced around Sirius singing._

"_Fat-arse, Fat-arse, Fat-arse," Sirius sang back._

"_SHUT UP!" _

"_Sorry Moony," they replied in unison before falling silent for several moments._

"_My arse is not fat."_

"_For the love of Merlin Prongs, we KNOW!" _


End file.
